


Out of Body Out of Love

by Bamf_babe



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Bodyswap, Humor, Identity Porn, Just a little angst, Just a sprinkle, M/M, not a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25063459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bamf_babe/pseuds/Bamf_babe
Summary: "When Jaskier woke up he was looking at a beautiful pair of breasts and thought he had gotten very, very lucky. Then he realized the breasts were attached to him and he realized he was very, very fucked."AKA: When a murder in Toussaint ends with Jaskier and Yennefer swapping bodies he would have never expected the cure to lie somewhere in pretending to be Yennefer while going on a date with Geralt.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 22
Kudos: 180
Collections: The Witcher Flash Fic Challenge #003





	Out of Body Out of Love

When Jaskier woke up he was looking at a beautiful pair of breasts and thought he had gotten very, very lucky. Then he realized the breasts were attached to him and he realized he was very, very fucked. 

“Well, shit,” he said, poking his new assets experimentally. He seemed to be wearing a low-cut black dress and a traveling cloak. There was something oddly familiar about the breasts and the dress he was wearing but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He tried to stand up but long black hair covered his vision. Then he looked over and saw...himself sitting slumped on the ground. 

It was all coming back in horrifying detail. 

He and Geralt had been traveling through Toussaint on the trail of a Doppler who fancied themselves an untraceable serial killer when they had received word of a mysterious mage having set up shop in town. It was no surprise that the ‘mysterious mage’ was in fact Yennefer. She always seemed to appear along the path their adventures took them. 

Of course, Jaskier knew Geralt would want some ‘alone time’ with Yennefer and while Geralt had never explicitly said anything about their relationship, every time the three of them met up Yennefer and Geralt would always inevitably sneak off together. It was heartbreaking to watch them be together but well, needs must and all that rot. He just couldn’t believe Geralt still didn’t trust him enough to be honest about Yennefer and him being together. It hurt. 

Geralt had to go to the blacksmith to have his swords properly sharpened and cared for as they had been put to quite the test with Leshen a few weeks back so Jaskier had gone ahead to see if the mage really was Yennefer. It likely would be, but he wanted to be sure.

He found himself outside quite possibly the nicest tavern this side of the continent and when he asked where the ‘mage’ was staying he was brought to a suite. He pushed open the door and there she was. 

If nothing else, Jaskier admired Yennefer’s style. She looked impeccable from the low-cut black dress with violet accents highlighting her eyes to the way her hair draped just so. He wondered if she used magic. If so, could she spell his own hair? Yennefer was currently intently focusing on an object sitting on a table in front of her. Her hands were moving over it slowly, small strings of lilac magic twisting around the object he couldn’t quite make out. 

Jaskier leaned against the doorway and looked inside at the decadent suite, “I see you’ve become more modest since our last parting.

She didn’t even turn around to face him fully before she said, “I’m shocked they allowed you in.”

Jaskier didn’t even pause before responding, “Considering your ability to rent a room, the boundaries for acceptable clientele must be particularly low.”

“And your ability to accurately measure your own self-worth must be even lower.”

“I will have you know I have accolades across the continent, what do you have?”

“Presentation.”

“This,” Jaskier said, motioning to his olive green and gold embroidered doublet, “is the height of fashion.”

“I’m sure it is. In some other universe.”

“Are you blind as well as petty?”

“Are you stupid as well as a nuisance?”

“You can’t even look me in the eye.”

Here, Yennefer’s hands paused in their waving over the object but she still didn’t look up. 

“I’m trying to figure out the curse on their object,” she said, “I don’t think it’s a doppler that’s been attacking villagers. I think it has something to do with this.”

Here, she floated a key so it was hovering between her and Jaskier. It hung on a thin iron chain and had a charm of a pearl alongside the thick wrought-iron key. He couldn’t quite make out the details but there seemed to be elaborate carvings on the key itself. 

“Yennefer, you are brilliant but I don’t see how a key could be impersonating people and killing their loved ones.”

“Listen, last night I was guarding the houses of some of the more influential people in town when I saw a man running down an alley. I chased him and managed to tear off this necklace before he escaped. This morning I heard of another murder of a husband that was supposedly committed by his wife. The house was right next to the alley.”

“Well, that is no coincidence.”

“Exactly, and this key is emanating very powerful magic. I know it’s all connected.”

Jaskier looked at the key and without fully understanding why he had the strangest urge to reach out and touch it. The longer he looked at the key, lit with lilac magic the stronger the desire to take it became. Was it his imagination or was there something written on its side? He reached out his hand. 

“I think there’s something written on it….”

His hand was mere inches away when Yennefer snapped out of whatever haze she too had been taken into.

“DON’T TOUCH THAT-” she yelled, reaching for his hand. Yennefer was not fast enough. Their hands brushed just as Jaskier reached the key and then there was an explosion of light. 

This leads to Jaskier’s present situation. He looked over at himself, unconscious and he can only imagine that Yennefer is now residing in his own body. This was truly a worst-case scenario. He gave up on fully standing up and instead made his way over to his body and leaned over it. 

He tapped his own shoulder, “Yennefer, hello-” he clapped his hands over his-no, Yennefer’s mouth. He even had her fucking voice. Well, of course, he did, he was in her body. Jaskier was quite certain he had never heard the real Yennefer sound quite so soft, however. 

Even that small noise was enough to rouse Yennefer up just a little. Jaskier was the truly uncomforting experience of watching his own body sit up and stare at him. 

Then he watched as his face made an expression that would have killed someone across a room and one he hadn’t known his face was capable of making and said, “Who the fuck are you.”

Then Yennefer, most likely, wearing his body stopped short at the sound of her voice - well, his voice, but she was using it. She looked down at herself, then looked back at him and if it was at all possible she looked even angrier. 

“Jaskier,” she growled and oh lords he did not know his voice was capable of being that deep or that terrifying. Did it even make sense to be scared of yourself?

“Now, now Yennefer,” Jaskier said, standing up clumsily and putting his hands in the air, “I think we all know this was an accident and didn’t you say you wanted to study the curse? This is the perfect opportunity!”

She stood up too and was he really that tall? She seemed to loom over him in his body. Her hands were curled into fists and his normally blue eyes seemed to have a bit of purple to them.

“I wanted to study it!” She said, “Not be cursed by it!”

Yennefer stopped suddenly and took a few deep breaths. When she looked back at him her eyes were completely blue once again and she seemed marginally calmer. 

“What we need to do is focus on fixing this before-”

She was cut off by a knock at the door and it swung open to reveal Geralt-of-fucking-Rivia with his perfect timing. 

“That,” she finished. 

“Geralt!” Jaskier cried, “You would not believe what happened.” 

He threw his arms dramatically around the Witcher as he was prone to do. Jaskier noticed that in Yennefer’s…relatively smaller (not tiny, not even in the privacy of his mind would he risk calling her tiny) body Geralt was intimidatingly massive. In his own body, he did not notice it in his own body as they were not too far off in height but now it was all too clear. 

Yennefer on the other side of the room threw up her (his!) hands in exasperation. 

Jaskier looked up at Geralt who looked absolutely shocked at Jaskier’s behavior. Well, he supposed he hadn’t even seen Yennefer willingly hug someone a day in her life. No matters, he wasn’t planning on keeping this a secret from Geralt anyways. 

Still, Jaskier pulled away from Geralt as he said, “We found an enchanted object connected to the murders in town.”

Geralt nodded and looked back towards Yennefer who had her arms crossed and was glaring something fierce at Jaskier. 

“Well, it’s a key and now-” Jaskier tried to say more but found that he couldn’t get the words out. He tried to again tell Geralt that Yennefer and he were no longer in their respective bodies but the words wouldn’t leave his lips.

“Now- we have a lead on a possible suspect,” he finished lamely for lack of anything better to say. 

Yennefer rolled her eyes before coming up to Jaskier’s side. She leaned into his personal space and looked up at Geralt, giving a winning smile, “Sorry Geralt, think Yennefer’s brain is going just a bit with all the magic she’s been throwing around the place. Should have seen it when I came in, complete light show.”

She was giving a very good imitation of him and it scared Jaskier a little how perfectly she could pretend to be him.

“If you excuse us for a moment, I want to check in with darling Yennefer here about her magic use, make sure she’s not overdoing it or anything.”

With those words, she began to push Geralt towards the door but not before Jaskier heard him say, “...talk about magic?” then the door was shut behind him. 

Yennefer gave a sigh of relief and the smile dropped from her face, returning to its usual glare, which, again, looked beyond strange on his face and began casting a spell on the door. 

And wasn’t that an experience. Watching his own body using magic, if not more hesitantly than Jaskier was use to Yennefer using. It looked strange, combined with the glare in her eyes, Yennefer made his body look rather terrifying. 

She turned around at him, “Alright, so clearly we can’t talk about being in the wrong bodies to anyone. There must be an enchantment on the key.” 

Yennefer began pacing, “This must be how whoever originally had this key was able to get away with it.”

“I see!” Jaskier said, getting the thread she was following, “Imagine, you switch bodies with someone’s child or spouse and then you kill them when they are at their most vulnerable.”

“It leaves a crime where the killer can never be found at fault and the suspect can never explain their innocence.”

Jaskier shook his head, “And we thought it might be a doppler.”

“They are going to want this back,” Yennefer said, holding the key with a handkerchief. 

“Then that’s how we are going to find them!” Jaskier said, “We can simply wait for them to try and get it back and capture them then.”

“In theory, that sounds brilliant, but you forget one little problem,” Yennefer motioned between the two of them. 

Jaskier deflated, he was so caught up in the euphoria of discovering the killer he forgot that he was currently in Yennefer’s body. 

Yennefer ran her hands through her hair, “I can still use magic in this body, thank you to every theory on chaos being tied to the soul, not the flesh, so theoretically I could continue to study this key and try to break the curse. But we need to do something about Geralt.”

“And since he still thinks a doppler is committing these murder…”

“And we can’t tell him about the curse…”

Jaskier sighed, “If he sees us acting suspiciously he would assume one of us is a doppler and stab us with his lovely silver swords.”

“He’s already suspicious because of your little...hug earlier so we have to be extremely careful,” Yennefer said.

“Well, what exactly are we supposed to do? We can’t have Geralt coming in here and seeing my body practicing magic!”

Yennefer paused, “I suppose you could try taking him to the night market or to dinner.”

“I’m sorry,” Jaskier said incredulously, “your solution to solving this absolute crisis is for me to take Geralt on a DATE?”

“In not so many words, yes.”

He threw up his hands, “And what, exactly, is your brilliant plan if he decides that a better way to pass the time would be fucking? Because Yennefer, I distinctly lack the desire to have sex in your body.”

She gave a small mischievous smirk, the likes of which had never crossed his face before that moment and said, “That won’t be a problem.”

“And why not?”

Yennefer said nothing and Jaskier stamped his foot and huffed, “Well then, keep your secrets.”

He turned around began walking to the door, he wrenched it open, causing Geralt to stumble as he had been leaning against it.

“I’m going to dinner!” He called back to Yennefer and then grabbed Geralt’s arm, “You are coming with me,” he growled and for the first time so far, he thinks he actually sounded a bit like Yennefer. 

They wandered out into the streets and just as Yennefer had said, there was a night market set up. It was a pretty sight in the small towns, carts with deserts and food, and little trinkets set up along all sides of the streets. The lanterns were all lit giving everything a warm golden light. Jaskier looked over at Geralt and thought about how his hair seemed a little less harsh-white in the glow. Then he tripped over the hem of his dress and was rudely reminded of his situation. 

Geralt caught him and helped him to his feet, looking into his eye, “Yenn, are you alright? You were acting odd earlier.”

Jaskier tried to give a patented Yennefer glare at Geralt for him intruding on her independent femininity by catching him, but he didn’t think it was as harsh as hers would have been.

“I’m fine Geralt, just overused my magic earlier as Jaskier said and I’m still feeling a bit off.”

Geralt laughed and leaned in closer (fuck was he about to) Jaskier would break if Geralt was going to- 

Jaskier let out a breath as Geralt gently pecked him on the cheek and twined their arms together. 

“Stay alert Yenn,” he said, “There’s a doppler loose tonight.”

Jaskier just nodded and let Geralt lead the way as they threaded their way through the marketplace. He envied Geralt’s effortless intimacy with Yennefer. He could still feel the kiss flaming on his cheek from Geralt and he burned with the desire that a kiss like that could be for _him_. He shook his head. No, that kiss was for Yennefer, Geralt was in love with Yennefer. 

No matter how much it hurt him, Jaskier would have to remember that fact as the night went on. 

They grabbed some food and ended up at the edge of town, sitting under a tree together. Jaskier tried to sit down and let Geralt put his arms around him as they ate, but strangely enough, Geralt seemed adverse to do that. He again gave Jaskier an odd look before asking if everything was well. Jaskier replied that it was and they began having a regular conversation sitting across from each other. 

“Geralt have you ever considered that it might not be a doppler killing these people?” Jaskier tried to give his voice Yennefer’s edge but it still ended up softer than he would have liked. 

“What else could it be? There are witnesses saying they saw the victims’ loved ones’ slaying them but then the loved ones in question never remember the crime and there’s no evidence they would want to commit murder.”

Jaskier found it hard to argue with this logic without bringing up the key he was unable to talk about, “Valid point.”

“Yennefer, I actually have a question I’ve been wanting to ask for a while.”

Jaskier looked over at Geralt. This was it. He was going to confess his undying love for Yennefer and Jaskier would be stuck here, playing along. Fuck, what if Geralt tried to kiss him?

“Yes?” Jaskier responded, leaning forward ever so slightly. 

“Is something wrong with Jaskier?”

The man in question paused and wondered if something was wrong with Geralt.

“What on earth do you mean,” now he didn’t have to force Yennefer’s annoyed tone into his voice, it came naturally. 

“He seemed angry with me earlier and then there were those strange comments about you overusing your magic and then you dragged me off and he didn’t even ask to come along. Did he say anything to you?”

Jaskier gave a full laugh at this statement, “Ye--Jaskier wouldn’t say anything to me even if we were the last two people on earth, why would you care if he’s mad at you anyway?”

“You know why Yenn, and I’m afraid I’ve been a bit distant lately. Since the last time, you and I talked I’ve been trying to work up the courage but every time I open my mouth nothing comes out.”

Jaskier thought about this. It was true that over the past month since they had last seen Yennefer Geralt had grown more distant and even colder. Jaskier figured Geralt had been upset about Yennefer being away. Now, it sounded like Geralt was angry at his and wanted to tell him off or something. Clearly, Geralt was more open with Yennefer then he ever would Well, he must play along, be Yennefer of Vengerberg.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Jaskier is a nuisance like that. You always have one problem or another with him.”

“Yenn, don’t go there.”

Jaskier felt indignant. He wanted to know exactly how much Geralt really hated him. 

“What? Don’t tell me you’ve finally gotten tired of your pet bard. I understand, he’s clingy, aggravating, loud, and without a lick of common sense.”

When he looked over Geralt’s fists were clenched in anger. The skin was even paler than normal around his knuckles and when he spoke his voice was tight. 

“I said I’m not going to talk about Jaskier. Do you want me to defend him? List his virtues? I’m not going to.”

Jaskier sighed, that was exactly what he was hoping for. He had hoped that Geralt might at least refer to him as a friend. This whole situation was miserable. All it had made clear was that Geralt truly and actually despised him. 

He tried to continue the conversation without bringing himself up again. He couldn’t bear it. 

“Fine then, I will leave the topic for now. Let’s talk about what you’ve been doing since we last saw each other.”

Jaskier tuned out Geralt’s descriptions of the adventure they’d had together the past month. Of course, he’d been there so he simply nodded along and added in small sounds at the right moment. Inside, his heart was breaking. 

Once they finished eating and got up to leave, Jaskier decided that this would likely be his only chance to experience Geralt as a romantic partner. Yennefer was so lucky. 

“Geralt,” he said, boldly placing his hand on the Witcher’s chest, “you’ve been distant this whole dinner.”

The man scowled and pushed Jaskier’s hand away. 

“Fine Yenn, I’ll do...you know what before we leave this town.”

Ah finally, they were getting somewhere. Jaskier through all caution to the wind and said, “What about we do it right now.”

Then he quite literally pulled the Witcher down to his level (damn the massive height difference they now had) and kissed him with all the passion and love he would never get the chance to do in his own body. 

He felt Geralt stiffen quite obviously in surprise. Then for a moment he seemingly sunk into the kiss before flinging his arms out as a voice behind them spoke up. 

“And _what_ exactly is going on here?”

Geralt moved away from Jaskier so quickly he felt like he was pushed and looked at the voice. 

It was Yennefer, well Yennefer-as-Jaskier and somehow while examining the magic of the strange key, she had found time for a costume change. Of course she had. His body was now wearing a midnight blue tunic with long sleeves drawn in at the wrists. There were also tight black breeches and was that a potions belt hanging from his hips? Dear lord, Geralt was going to think he had gone around the bend. 

She was tapping his foot on the ground impatiently. 

“Well,” she said, in an acidic tone, clearly she was no longer pretending to be him which hopefully meant she had found a cure, “I’m waiting.”

“Jaskier!” Geralt said, and the man sounded practically penitent, “I didn't know you would be here.”

“Oh no,” Yennefer said, ignoring Geralt, pointing at Jaskier, “I’m talking to you. Come over here. Geralt, do not move.”

The witcher practically froze up and stayed still, looking completely confused as he watched a very differently dressed Jaskier literally drag a blushing Yennefer away. 

Once they were just out of Geralt’s hearing Yennefer hit Jaskier upside the head, “What the fuck did I just see Jaskier?”

“You know you are only hurting yourself when you do that.”

“Explain yourself.”

“Look, Yennefer, I don’t think it’s any big secret that I’m in love with Geralt but clearly he only has eyes for you so I figured this was my one chance to truly be with him. I won’t apologize.”

“You--” Yennefer closed her eyes, two fingers on the bridge of her nose, an entirely Yennefer move that looked so strange on his face. 

“I can’t believe what an idiot you are,” she finally settled on.

“You and Geralt can go galavanting off into the sunset after this okay but--”

She cut him off, “You idiot. Gods. We've been trying to find a way to invite you along with us for months you absolute imbecile.”

Jaskier stopped his tirade, “What?”

“The only thing you’ve done is confused Geralt when you give us those puppy dog eyes, making us assume you have already rejected us.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, OH. Now, pray I break this spell so you can explain yourself to him.”

“Wait! Yennefer oh fuck you cant tell him it was me.”

“I’m not letting him think it was me.”

Jaskier felt tears forming at the corners of his eyes, “You don’t understand Geralt said he hates me!”

“He said…” Yennefer paused, looking almost confused, “I’m sorry Geralt said he hates you?”

“Well, not exactly, but he said he wants to talk to me about something and he sounded upset…”

Yennefer grabbed fistfuls of her hair and Jaskier really hoped she wasn’t going to tear any of it out and said, “Fuck me. Listen, when this whole thing is over I am going to lock you and Geralt in a room and you are going to explain this whole mess to him and then you are going to listen to what he has to say.”

Jaskier nodded, “Does this mean who knows how to fix it?”

“We just need the blood of the original caster. It was keyed to them. Once we get a drop of their blood on this key its curse should be rendered mute.”

“Fantastic, now where can we-”

Jaskier’s sentence was interrupted as he was rudely tackled by a shape that came out of the bushes. He heard a yell from both Yennefer and Geralt as he went tumbling over. He looked up to see a nondescript man with blonde hair looking down at his. He held a knife to Jaskier’s throat.

“Give me the key. And don’t even think about using your magic, this knife will stop you before you can get a spell out.”

“Hey, you!” he heard his own voice call out behind him, “Wrong one.”

Then the man was blasted off of him with a gust of magic. He looked up to see Yennefer standing over him, her hands (his hands really) lit up with magic.

Geralt had drawn his sword but had actually dropped it when he saw Yennefer use magic. Jaskier supposes from his perspective it was as if the bard he had spent over a decade traveling with had suddenly revealed himself to be a mage.

“Jaskier- you- I-” and wasn’t this adorable? Geralt was actually speechless, stumbling over his own words. 

“Stop griping and get over here,” Yennefer yelled at Geralt who was having trouble pinning down the killer in his body. Clearly, she was not accustomed to his body as much as she acted like.

Jaskier sat up and didn’t really move because he wouldn’t really be of much help like this, half a head shorter than he normally was and magicless to boot. But he watched as a stunned Geralt went through the motions of tying up the man. 

“What the fuck did I just watch Jaskier?” Geralt said, and he sounded almost betrayed. 

“I’m not--I’m not--” Yennefer was clearly tired of the confusion but like Jaskier earlier she couldn’t explain herself. “UGH, just give me a moment would you?”

Then she turned around and punched the man in the face. Jaskier could hear the sickening crack as his nose broke and blood starting leaking down his face. Yennefer brought the key out of one of his pockets and caught some of the man’s blood on it. A light began emanating from it once more and then Jaskier fell to the ground for the who-knows-what time that day.

When he opened his eyes, he was on the ground next to the man tied up in ropes with Geralt hovering over him. 

“Yes!” He heard Yennefer shout behind him. She was hugging her own body, “I am never leaving you again beautiful body.”

She looked over at the two of them and waved her hand at the man on the ground. He floated up behind her and she turned towards the village. 

“Geralt,” she said looking back at him, “this is the man who has been killing people with the aid of a body-swapping curse. Jaskier and I were caught up in its path earlier today. If you’ll excuse me I will be taking this man to the Magistrate and you two will be having a conversation.”

With that, she began walking off, leaving the two men to a very awkward conversation. 

“I’m sorry!” Jaskier began before Geralt had any chance to say something. 

Geralt paused and looked at Jaskier, “Today, during dinner, that was you?”

“Yes.”

Geralt nodded and Jaskier hung his head, ready for whatever terrible thing Geralt wanted to say to him so he was thoroughly surprised when Geralt tilted his chin up and kissed him. It was not a storybook kiss that was for sure. It was as desperate and filthy as the one Jaskier had given earlier but now from the other end. Geralt gently sucked on Jaskier’s bottom lip and he gasped, savoring the taste. He pulled away after a few moments, breathless. 

“What?”

“I’ve been trying for the past month to find a way to tell you. Yennefer’s been trying to encourage me.”

“And I made a complete fool out of myself.”

Geralt gave a small smile, “Well honestly the way you were acting I thought Yennefer might have been a doppler and was planning on ways to kill you when she showed up.”

“Of course you were.”

“Hey,” Geralt said, softer, “you might be a fool, but I’m a coward. I should have said something sooner.”

Jaskier gave a laugh, “At least we are a matched set.”

Geralt leaned in closely to Jaskier, his breath ghosting over his face, “I suppose now that everything is out in the open…You’ve already been inside one person today. Want to make it two?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I LOVED the prompt this week, thanks Steph, I had such a fun time! Thanks to everyone who voted and I promise I will mod well next week!
> 
> I wrote this entire fic just as an excuse to write the first and last lines.


End file.
